The old ones are the best....

[Steve T]

Woman walks into a doctors surgery. 

'What can I do for you today?' asks the doctor.

'You need to look at this' says the woman, swiftly removing her skirt to reveal a piece of lettuce poking up above her knickers

'God gracious!' Says the doctor. 'That doesn't look too good!'

'Pffffff' says the woman 'THAT'S just the tip of the iceburg'.

 

.............

 

Ba dum dum TISH!

[Guest Fred Karno's Army]

Exit stage...................left .Have you been sniffing them resin mills again boy ! 

[Steve T]

Yep. And as proof...............

 

 

I said to the wife the other day, 'Why don't you tell me anymore when you have an orgasm?'

She replied 'Because you told me you don't like being disturbed at work'

 

 

Ba dum dum TISH

[HetzersGonnaHetz]

Steve, this is not appropriate language,

Admin ....

*when you realise you're not an admin* 

C*ck and boll*cks!

[Manu Della Valle]

cocks

 

ballhawks

 

bar-steward

jobby

 

[Manu Della Valle]

Gotta love this instant-translator!

[Guest Fred Karno's Army]

Oh Christ @Manu Della Valle Is off ! 

[HetzersGonnaHetz]

Hehe, you don't understand how many times I had to re-read my comment to make sure there were no spelling mistakes!

[Manu Della Valle]

Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women? Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

[Manu Della Valle]

7 minutes ago, Ham & Jam said:

Oh Christ @Manu Della Valle Is off ! 

Didn't you know? 

[Guest Fred Karno's Army]

[Guest Fred Karno's Army]

[Manu Della Valle]

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."

 

Edited May 18, 2016 by Manu Della Valle

[Manu Della Valle]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

[Manu Della Valle]

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. "Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman. "Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?" "There's no electricity in the house…" said the lady.

[Davejb]

A woman goes to the Doctors, she tells him she thinks she,s pregnant, Doctor examines her and says "No its just wind" She goes back every week for four weeks, and gets the same answer "No its just wind". The fifth week her husband goes to the Doctor slaps his todger on the desk and says "What do you think this is , A bicycle pump"????

[Davejb]

A guy does to the Doctors after he swallows his glass eye, the doctor starts to examine him and gets to his arse, as the doctor parts his cheeks the glass eye appears and looks straight at him, The doctor says "Come now Mr Brown if you cant trust the doctor ,who can you trust"

[Davejb]

Another guy goes to the doctor.and says " I got drunk yesterday and as a dare I put a mince pie up my arse" Doctor says "Dont worry I,ve got some cream for that"

[pylon1357]

As the Hurricane said to the coconut tree "Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job."

[pylon1357]

What is red and green and spins at 100,000 RPM? A frog in a blender.

What do you get if you add milk? Frog Nog.

What happens if you drink it. You Croak.

[Davejb]

Why do women have legs???? Answer "Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves on the ground"

 

 

 

Tarara boom di ayy

[pylon1357]

What do you call a dog with no legs?? It don't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway

[Manu Della Valle]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

[Manu Della Valle]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Manu Della Valle]

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv." But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked. The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."