The old ones are the best....

[Manu Della Valle]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They

were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died

before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the

American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and

nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a

beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing

at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were

all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to

the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50,

and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the

other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the

price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[Tony Walker]

Went to the doctor for a checkup. Once he'd finished, he said, "I've got bad news for you."

"What is it?"

"You've only got three minutes to live"

"Blimey! Can't you do anything for me?"

"I could boil an egg....."

[Manu Della Valle]

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

[Manu Della Valle]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."